Eight Most Unlikely Places To Raid At The End Of The World

As a chronic worrier, I'm always thinking about what I'd do in worst case scenarios. If I suddenly lost control of my car where could I crash it so that it would be the least likely to kill me? How could I get out of an elevator if it got stuck? What's the last thing I'd say to my loved ones if I knew I was dying? You know, sunny shit like that. So, of course, one of the things I often think about is what I would do if the world ended right now. I've speculated about this a lot because I have a mental illness called The Mind That Wouldn't Shut The Fuck Up. I think it'd make a decent title for a horror film. I'd go see it. Anyway, here, in no particular order, are all of the places I'm going to raid when the bombs go off and our country's infrastructure crumbles like feta cheese.

Bed Bath & Beyond

Holy fuck does this place have a lot of shit you'll want to take advantage of. There are tools for practical uses, pillows for pillow forts, rugs and towels for makeshift post-apocalyptic capes, and lots of As-Seen-On-TV crap. Obviously you won't want to grab anything that requires electricity so leave that tempting $200 Keurig alone and start grabbing those bottles of imported soda-- they can double as a sugar boost and a prison shank! And you'll absolutely want as many solar yard lights as you and your posse of looters can carry. Lighting things at night will be a huge deal in this broken world and using something that you can leave on all night without the hazard of burning your camp to the ground is a huge advantage. They're easy to steal though (I should know, I used to run through the rich neighborhoods snatching them up) so definitely stock up on some yard stakes-- you can turn the pointy ends into little traps for those who wish to obtain your ill-gotten goods.

Barnes And Noble

As fun as surviving in a wasteland will be, I bet you'll miss those times when you could just sit back and enjoy a fantasy world for a few hours. Since television will be kaput you're going to need something more accessible and portable in case you need to run away at a moment's notice. In comes the versatility of the printed word! I guarantee you that the rioters will be busy tearing apart Best Buy while Barnes & Noble is left to a few stragglers who don't want to get stabbed in the face with a digital antennae.

If the end of the world is going to last a long time then stands to reason that the preservation of knowledge will be extremely important, especially the further we become removed from the first generation of survivors. And books also serve a double purpose: they can be used as kindling. I highly discourage the burning of books but, like in the film The Day After Tomorrow, if the choice is between knowledge preservation and death, I'll begrudgingly be choosing the option of not dying in the cold. Very begrudgingly. I will complain the entire time.

Staples

Don't fancy the idea of burning books? Me either. I feel dirty just for writing that out. However, this is where office supply stores finally find their niche! Because everyone knows they're usually pretty useless. I mean, who goes out and is like "hey, you know what would be fun? Looking at manilla folders and paper clips!" Nobody, that's who. Office supply stores like Staples do have one super amazing asset, though. They carry a fuck-ton of paper products from the aforementioned manilla folders to printer paper to notebooks to those little day planner books that nobody uses but they still sell in droves for some reason. Need to burn something? Grab a pile of paper and light 'er up! No guilt and nothing of value is lost. It's a win for everybody.

Toys R Us

While everyone is lighting fires at the local petrol pumps and blowing up the cars of their enemies you'll be sneaking into the local toy store for some much more sustainable modes of transportation. Most toy shops, at least here in America, carry roller blades, bicycles, skateboards, and scooters. While a gassed up car would be great it's just not going to last. All of the gas will be taken in the blink of an eye and no more will be showing up ever. Use the final bits of gas to park your car out of the way and make room for human-powered transport hoarding! You'll be laughed at by everyone as you pile bikes and skateboards into your garage but, in a few weeks when the fuel is all gone, guess who's going to be the belle of the ball? Use your stash to trade for supplies and possibly hookers. Possibly. That could get dicey. Might be worth it, though.

A Plant Nursery

Who's going to go picking flowers as the skyscrapers burn in the distance? Nobody. But it's definitely what you should be doing. Your local plant nursery will have soil, fertiliser, mulch, seeds, bricks and stone, and loads of plant variety. You can start your own garden while the local Wal-Mart is being plundered. Along with the seasonal fruits and veggies you can also find cacti and other plants that can be used as defensive barriers. Have you ever touched the crown of thorns or a madagascar palm? Even the sago palm with it's very uncomfortably pointed fronds can be used to deter would-be invaders. Creating a sustainable future with your hopefully green thumb is the way to survive! I mean, I'd definitely die because I can kill drought resistant succulents but hey, that's me. You'll probably be much more lucky.  

The Zoo

You think I'm playin'? Do you know how much food is kept at zoos? It's a lot. It's not just meat for the carnivores and grass for the herbivores-- there are loads of different kinds of animal diets all over the world. So of course there will be plenty of food that nobody else has thought to look for except for the zookeepers themselves. Maybe some of them will hole up in one of the elephant pens that look like the raptor cage in Jurassic Park with their tranquilizer guns pointed at the straggling guests and the few people who realise that grilled capybara sounds really good right about now. Just make sure that you know which animals and plants are okay to eat; so many animal diets are absolutely useless or even poisonous to humans so it's a good idea to steer clear of that mess. And, speaking of messes, there will be a lot of herbivore dung in almost any zoo. That would be a good thing to take advantage of for farming purposes. I mean, the zoos around here sell adorable little yard gnomes that are made entirely of compressed elephant dung just for using in yards. It's cute, it's practical, and it's dis-fucking-gusting.

The Psychiatric Hospital

This is where I'd set up my base camp. These places are locked down like prisons. I swear to god that I'd be the only person trying to get in instead of out. The second the power goes out and all of those magnetically sealed lead doors are loosed the entire population of the hospital will run for the hills. Once you get inside you'll find clean, somewhat bearable beds, fifteen foot walls in every outdoor area, and the added protection of layered chainlink fences. Also, and most people don't know this, all of the chairs inside most mental health facilities weigh at least forty pounds. At least. They didn't used to be that way a few years ago and can really catch you off guard when you try to move one because they look exactly like normal chairs. It's some kind of architectural witchcraft. This is, of course, a safety measure-- it prevents the inmates from throwing the chairs at others, something I can personally attest to bearing witness. These heavy chairs can be effectively used to create barriers behind doors that need barring. Pretty neat!

Hobby Lobby

While everyone is looting televisions out of Best Buy (RIP Circuit City) I'd one hundred percent be running past them to Joanne's. What's so fuckin' special about a craft store? Look, I'm not gonna lie-- I have hella closets. I have so much storage room in my house that I almost have more of it than actual livable space. Are we going to have power in this new era of death and depravity? Probably not so what the hell good is it to grab a 90 inch TV when you could grab all of the fabric that you'll ever need over the span of five lifetimes? We probably won't be washing our clothes any time soon since all potable water will be potted and used for drinking. Baths for ourselves will go out the window and baths for clothes will be a thing of the distant past. So how are we going to keep from getting infections from dirty-ass underwear? We'll just keep making more. And more. And more. And then we'll start bartering with our neighbours who are running out of clean clothes. This is more of a long-term solution since it's pretty feasible to stay in the same clothes for weeks and most Americans have way too many clothes to begin with. But planning for the long-terms is a good thing.

With this handy list, even you can survive the coming apocalypse! Set up your own farm or bicycle store! Survive on the fruits of your labour! Burn your dirty underwear! The possibilities are only limited to how much crap you can loot before other people start to catch on. You're probably going to need a really huge wagon.

Garbage Divas

My fingers definitely feel like they're gonna fall off. I just finished shredding some power chords on my Little Martin and beating my Macy Gray vocals into the dirt. I've tried to sing in falsetto but I just fucking fail so miserably at it. I have a mid-ranged voice and, as much as I fight it, it's so much more enjoyable when I just accept that high notes are going to sound awful and forced while lower notes are going to be far more attainable and smooth. I just feel more confident. I wish my dad was around to hear me but I'll have to settle for strangers on the internet.

Dad always hated girl singers-- it was a bias brought about by the sheer number of literal divas that he ended up working with when he was off with The Band. You know how, in movies and whatever, the diva stereotypes always whine and bicker with the musicians? Well, if there happens to be two divas in the same ensemble they clash like bitchy titans. My father was a complete diva so he hated to deal with the ladies. He preferred for the ladies to be fighting over him with slavering lust and not with him. He needed control over The Band or he'd lose his shit for all to see. And, by the grace of Beelzebub, he'd come home to my mother and I to bitch and whine about how awful it was to deal with That Girl Singer.

Oh woe is me! She just had to have us play that awful Supremes song! She kept hitting bad notes! How hard is singing on it's own? I sing and play my guitar and I am far superior to her smoke damaged, cracking pipes! Call the Waaaah-mbulance, dad. 

I haven't played my guitar in several months so I was surprised to learn that I remembered almost all of the chord fingerings like I'd played yesterday. And I was able to sing along without tripping over my strumming. I hit some rhythmic snags but I've always been kinda bad at keeping a steady rhythm so it's not a big deal, it just requires more time with ol' Thorn. 

My guitar aside, I've been biting at the bit to create another blog. I hate introductions so that's all you're getting.